Falling Slowly
by magnetosdaughter
Summary: A story in seven parts, each depicting an interaction between Cameron and one of her former colleagues, and detailing what Cameron does after she leaves Princeton-Plainsboro. Part 4 published, the memory of Chase threatens to get in the way.
1. Wilson

_**Falling Slowly**_

**Series Notes**

**Fandom**: House MD

**Character**: Allison Cameron

**Pairings**: Canon; House/Cameron and Chase/Cameron are addressed, House/Cuddy is understood

**Setting**: begins a couple months post-_Lockdown_; Cameron is living and working in London, England

**Rating**: T

**Summary**: a story in seven parts, each depicting an interaction between Cameron and one of her former colleagues, and detailing what Cameron does after she leaves Princeton-Plainsboro

**Chapter Notes**: Cameron left the series in something of a dark place ("I'm unfixable"); this chapter is an exploration of that dark place (but the rest won't be so angsty).

_The rabbit-hole went straight on like a tunnel for some way, and then dipped suddenly down, so suddenly that Alice had not a moment to think about stopping herself before she found herself falling down what seemed to be a very deep well._

_Either the well was very deep, or she fell very slowly, for she had plenty of time as she went down to look about her, and to wonder what was going to happen next._

(Alice's Adventures in Wonderland; Lewis Carroll)

Part One: Wilson

It's after midnight and Cameron can't sleep.

She's blamed it on a number of things over the weeks. Months. It's been months now. She's said it's because of jet lag. The change in her routine. It's noisy. It's not noisy enough. The noise is _different_.

The noise _is_ different.

The city is louder. And her apartment is more empty. She didn't bring much with her to fill it. Most of her belongings, her trappings, are in storage back in New Jersey. Because they didn't belong here. Because she didn't want to be trapped.

Chase sent two boxes the week after the divorce was final. The week before she left for London. Those boxes went into storage unopened. When she's at the clinic she can keep everything in all those boxes taped up tight and stored far away. But when she's not at the clinic, not distracted by medical mysteries and patients who need her, when there is nothing but the wrong noise, she can't hide. She lies, not sleeping, in the middle of a bed that feels too big and too empty and too comfortable all at once. And she can't decide which feeling is wrong or which feeling is even her's. So she abandons the bed.

Some nights she tries to read but she's too tired and can't focus and the words blur together. Some nights she puts on music but it's not loud enough and she worries about the neighbors so she doesn't turn it up. Some nights she watches movies and wants to cry and can't and it makes everything worse. Many nights she sits with photo albums in her lap, as unopened as the boxes. And she wakes up with the sun and she doesn't remember falling asleep but she's grateful it's time to go to work and push all her feelings into her job and everything else into boxes she can ignore until it's time to go to sleep again.

It's after midnight and Cameron can't sleep. She sits up and curls her knees into her chest to rest her chin on top of them. She stares out into the dark, not really looking, just trying to stop her mind from wandering too far. Something unfamiliar catches her eye, a teddy bear on a mostly empty bookshelf, fallen over on its side. Not unfamiliar. Forgotten.

_"This seat taken?"_

_Cameron looked up from the journal article she was reading and shook her head. She moved papers aside and Wilson sat, placing coffee, fruit and a teddy bear on the table between them. "Who's your friend?" she asked with a small smile._

_He echoed her smile but it wasn't real. Wilson was better than most at hiding his feelings when he wanted. Cameron was better than most at reading beneath the surface. When she wanted. "A patient gave him to me."_

_"Little girl with a crush?" Her tone remained light but all her attention was on his response._

_Wilson took a breath and let it out in a sigh. In. Out. "I told a little girl she was going to die and she gave me her teddy bear to cheer me up." Cameron placed her hand over his. He took another breath. In. Out. "I give people bad news every day."_

_"I know." People become doctors for many reasons; Cameron always thought she understood Wilson's._

_"I can't stop this cancer from killing this little girl and I can accept that but she shouldn't be worrying about me. She shouldn't spend any time worrying about-" He pulled his hand away. "-me."_

_Cameron let a moment pass. Then she picked up the bear. "Some things are out of our control." Wilson looked over and held her eyes a long while. And smiled a real, if sad, smile._

She reaches out and picks up the bear. When she left Princeton-Plainsboro she'd just thrown everything in her locker into a box. Most of it ended up in her locker at the clinic. The bear hitched a ride to London and got a place on her shelf and she didn't even notice until tonight.

The bear is brown with a bright yellow ribbon around its neck. Generically cheerful. It was probably purchased in the hospital gift shop by somebody who didn't know how else to deal with facing a child dying of cancer. Somebody gave it to a little girl who gave it to Wilson who gave it to her. She thinks she was supposed to give it to someone, too, another patient, but she was called away and forgot. She fingers the ribbon, tugs until the bow unravels and she drops it off the side of the bed.

Some things are out of our control.

Cameron lays back, clutches her bear to her chest, and opens the Pandora's box of her mind and memories. She lets go and she feels everything.

And she sleeps.


	2. Taub

**Chapter Notes**: Set post-_Larger Than Life_ (S7) so there are some months since the last part. This will be the biggest time jump and what Cameron's done with her months will become clear as we go. 

Part Two: Taub

"I hoped you'd be here."

Cameron has imagined many scenes. Accidental meet-ups between herself and everyone she left behind in New Jersey. And not accidental. She'd spent the first week away waiting for House, Chase, Wilson, Cuddy, even Foreman, to come after her. No, not waiting. Wondering. Worrying. Expecting. Weighing.

Waiting.

She's imagined many scenes. And many outcomes. But none with him.

"I'm . . . surprised to see you." An invite had been sent to Princeton-Plainsboro, it only made sense, but of everyone they might have tapped to go, this is surprising.

Taub smiles and it is somehow both unassuming and smug. He _had_ hoped to see her. Cameron is something of an enigma. She'd always been on the periphery, like something you only ever saw out of the corner of your eye and its absence should have been inconsequential. But instead it's a hole where a glimmer used to be. "Well, it was supposed to be House."

"Oh."

He's watching her face. She's wondering what's showing on it. Nothing. Everything. He shrugs.

"Hospital had it all set up, VIP all the way, but you know House."

Cameron blinks. What is she supposed to answer? "I. . . yes."

There's one thing everyone who works with House knows. How to push buttons. "He's not in it for the perks."

She doesn't blink this time. Her eyes are wide. "No." And suddenly she feels cheap. She shouldn't, this isn't a perk day for her, it's a work day. It's sponsored by the hospital that runs the clinic. The whole thing wouldn't be happening if - She clamps down on her thoughts. Eyes narrow as she focuses on Taub, and what he's doing. "So he sent you."

How to push buttons.

"Sometimes perks are good for the soul." Cameron shakes her head, questioning. "I'm getting a divorce."

"I'm sorry."

He shrugs again. "It is what it is." A moment passes between them and she nods. He doesn't like the look in her eyes and tries to laugh it away. "More time for perks."

It works; the wide-eyed stare returns. "Are you hitting on me?"

It's a very pretty stare. But it doesn't cover up that glimmer.

"No. I know how that goes."

She's quiet another moment, eyes very still and he thinks she must be fuming. But after the moment, she laughs. Taub watches her lips curl with the effort. An enigma.

"He misses you, you know."

She knows he means Chase but House is who she sees in her mind's eye. House wouldn't miss her and Chase shouldn't. But it is what it is. "No," she answers, her voice soft, but the laughter is still there, like a ghost. Or a glimmer you can only see out of the corner of your eye. Taub doesn't follow, can't tell if she is saying she didn't know or that he's wrong. He means to ask but she looks past him. "You should get to your seat, they'll be starting soon."

He doesn't want to go. The lectures are always the same and never the reason to come to these things. He's learning much more here with her and it feels valuable, whatever the truth. Taub is never as interested in truth as much as feeling.

But she's dismissing him, plainly. He nods and starts to move away. "I'll give everyone your best." To an outside observer it is a perfunctory politeness. But Taub didn't mean it that way. And Cameron doesn't take it that way. Her lips curl again.

"Yes. Please do." She shakes her head once as she turns away. "Now go enjoy your perks." There's laughter in her voice and he thinks he saw a twinkle in her eyes, but she is already walking away. . . _Still -_ He opens his mouth but she speaks up before he can say a word. "No, I am not hitting on you. Enjoy the conference, Dr. Taub." She remains walking, and faced away, but he _knows_ there is a twinkle there.

"Thank you, Dr. Cameron," he answers, mostly to himself, but maybe she heard. "I will."


	3. Foreman

**Chapter Notes**: Set soon after part 2, Cameron's moving forward. This chapter is more about plot than the others, mostly because Foreman bores me. 

Part Three: Foreman

"I don't think you called to chat." It had taken barely five minutes for him to ask her to get to the point.

"No." A smile tugs at her lips. Foreman's disinterest in awkward small talk was part of why she'd settled on him for this task. "I need a favor."

There's a moment of silence as Foreman digests this. Taub had mentioned seeing her, it wasn't _precisely_ a call from out of the blue. But then a favor? Huh. "Does it involve pranking Chase?"

He's testing her. Or teasing her. Or both. Her jaw sets but she's able to keep the tightness out of her voice. "No."

"House?"

"No." Still no change in her voice, but maybe it's a good thing he can't see her eyes.

Oddly, Foreman chuckles. "I'm not going to like this favor, am I?"

She relaxes. "When have I ever been the prank type?"

"Hey, people change."

"Not that much." This is said so quietly he's not sure she actually spoke. Enough of this.

"Look, what do you want, Cameron?"

She takes a breath; she refuses to be rushed. This is important, she has to play it right. "I need some case files. Our success stories."

Our? He did expect something like that but he's surprised at the inclusive. Our. Four years and three exits later and she's still a team player. And apparently hoping he is, too. "You want me to steal confidential medical files and ship them to England."

She considers the question. "Yes."

Foreman's eyebrows raise. Simple as that. Huh again. ". . .No."

"Why not?"

He really feels like chuckling again but answers instead. "I'd lose my job and my license to practice medicine."

Cameron waves her hands in the air dismissively, as if he can see her. "Don't be so dramatic. I'll email you the specifications. You won't lose your job." Probably.

Foreman doesn't think he's being dramatic but arguing that would be petty. "Why don't you ask Cuddy?"

There is another pause. He appreciates that she's really listening. She wishes he'd stop testing. Teasing. Another breath. "She's territorial."

Foreman likes to think he knows what that means. But truthfully he has no idea. "What's this for?"

"Research."

"Research," he repeats, disbelief dripping from the word.

Cameron smiles. He's interested. This is going to work. "I don't want to say too much. Consider it a personal favor."

"Okay." He considers. "No."

She leans forward and a sense of exigency carries through the phone. "Consider it a prank."

Silence.

"You'd do it for House."

He sits up straighter. She's right, he probably would. And what's that mean? What's it mean that everybody does everything House asks? Damn, when did Cameron get so good at this? "You're not House."

"Not yet."

He shakes his head. It's always the quiet ones. "You'll email me the specifications?"

"Right away." He can hear her grin.

"I'll think about it." People don't change. She wouldn't ask him to do something that would actually get him fired. And maybe he really could work the prank angle.

"Thank you, Eric."

"Yeah." He hangs up, hoping the prank isn't actually on him.


	4. Chase

**Chapter Notes**: Cameron hasn't seen Chase since the events in _Lockdown_.

Part Four: Chase

"How many times do I have to say no?"

"It's not a date." David leans in closer, smiling his charming smile, and their clipboards bump together.

Cameron raises an amused eyebrow. "No, just an intimate weekend."

He bumps clipboards again. "A weekend away with friends."

There is a traitorous flutter in her stomach. Cameron pushes back. "You're the only one I've met and I don't _know_ you at all."

"You should get to _know_ me."

She takes a step back. "No."

"No?"

"No, thank you." Cameron turns and attempts to put all her attention on to the clipboard. Or at least look like all her attention is on the clipboard. So he'll go away. And she'll stop enjoying the flirtation. And being tempted to make all the same mistakes again.

But instead of going away he comes closer. "You can't work all the time." He places a hand on her shoulder and tips her chin up to see her reflection in the mirror behind the reception desk. "Look at you. You need a break. You need to get away." Cameron is very still as they both take in her appearance. "It's a huge plot of land, you don't have to see any of us. Spend the whole time with the goats."

"The goats?"

"They're very friendly." She laughs. He likes it. "Come on. It'll be good for you. No strings attached."

Her eyes harden and she shakes her head. "There are always strings." She tums quickly away, not wanting to hear any more.

"Alison..." He starts, but she's already gone.

She should have kept it casual. When she thinks about it -and she tries not to, but sometimes in the lonely dark of the night or when she hears his accent in passing, and she can't avoid the thought, she thinks - _I was right at the start_. She should have kept it casual.

She didn't because he didn't want to and she didn't want to hurt him. And look how well that worked out.

She didn't because he didn't want to and she didn't want to be afraid. She wanted to prove something. That she wasn't this screwed up, unfixable, damaged little girl who could only love if it was transient or untouchable or just as broken as she is. And look how well that worked out.

She didn't because he didn't want to and she thought that meant something. Something important, something real. Something about love. People confronted with love make all sorts of stupid decisions. Look at whatshername in Star Wars, she had to be smart enough to know better but Anakin loved her and wasn't afraid and that's an attraction that's hard to escape. But then she didn't did she? Cameron remembered. Whatshername ended up dead.

Not that Chase is Darth Vader.

Actually, no, that _was_ how it ended up. Chase followed House down the path to the Dark Side. And now there's no going back, just like she'd said.

Sometimes, in the lonely dark of the night, she wishes she hadn't said that. Other times she clings to her anger. The Dark Side got her, too.


End file.
